Why did I think it would be easy?

In Adoption on May 26, 2011 by Carolyn

I started my search first by registering with the state.  Boy, the state of Indiana sure is fun about adoption information.  I did however receive my non-identifying information.  For the first time in my life I knew things people completely take for granted.  What time I was born, how much I weighed and how long I was.  I learned the state my birthmother was born. My parents knew it was somewhere out west, but now I actually knew where she was from. I can’t tell you how long I would stare at this piece of paper.  A part of me I had never known and now, at the age of 39, I knew my basic beginnings.  Again, unless you are adopted, you cannot begin to imagine what it is like to have no idea where you came from or even your basic facts about yourself. You feel very incomplete.

I contacted my adoption agency after getting my non-identifying information telling them that I would like to start the search. No problem, just pay the fee and they will begin looking.  It hardly took any time to find her, and while she had moved on, her family had stayed where they had lived all these years.  A series of phone calls and BINGO, she was found, however; she wanted no contact.  She told the case worker that she was worried that it would be like opening Pandora’s Box.  She said that her family was healthy, she was glad I had a good home and hoped my life had been nice; nevertheless, thanks but no thanks.

I was crushed. I had never expected that outcome. I had thought that maybe they would not be able to find her, but never that she would not want to communicate with me. As a mother I would have thought, if only once, to be sure everything is okay, to let her know why I placed her, something. But no, she wanted nothing. Now, after everything has turned out the way it did, was she right?  Should we have left well enough alone?  As much time has gone by I can see, that as a mother, maybe it would be too hard to go there, to revisit what you had given up. For myself, and myself only, even though things ended on a bad note, I am grateful to have met the person who gave me life.  I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly and still I am glad. And even in all the hurt that has passed between us both, I will always hold a spot for her in my heart because (as I had always told her) she loved me enough to give me life and give me up. With that act she gave me the best gift in the world and that is my wonderful parents.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: