Toxic People

In Adoption on June 29, 2011 by Carolyn

In life, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic people do not do this. They have a habit of turning things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel like you are at fault. Realize this and take back your power. ~ unknown

Resent her blaming me for her insecurities and issues. I am taking back my power and realizing she is the toxic one. I may have not handled things the best, I may have jumped in too deep, too fast.  But I am NOT the person she described in out last conversation. 



On the Today Show

In Adoption on June 27, 2011 by Carolyn

Today on “Today” they are talking about finding birthparents/children on social networks such as Facebook or MySpace.  This is out of order about my adoption story but it ties into people being told they are adopted who had no idea and the secrecy that still surrounds adoption. 

My mother was always for closed adoption.  She felt that this would be confusing to the child to have two sets of parents.  Many times I shared my mother’s view on topics, more by osmosis rather than me forming my own opinion.  Now that I am grown, now that I have experienced reunion and failure in reunion, I strongly disagree.  While in a perfect world, you could be adopted and that would be that, you cannot take a child from another person without questions, needs and a bit of confusion.  I think so much fear lies in that after taking this child and making them your own the fear is one day they will leave and you have been replaced.

I feel very misunderstood. My birthmother thought that I was trying to replace my mother with her.  I refered to her as my first mother and wanted to be sure that she was acknowledged as my mother in some way, especially after carrying me for nine months and putting myself before her.  Back in the closed adoption era from the 60’s they were told not to think of us as theirs, we don’t belong to them, separating us and our bond.  I wanted to be sure to let her know, we do have a bond and I acknowledge that.  This is not to be confused with my MOM!!!

I made the mistake of sharing too much of myself too fast.  Certain things that were said and done by both me and my mom, were very misconstrued by my birthmother.  Unless you had gone through certain experiences of my life with me you could not begin to understand where I come from.  Things were taken completely out of context and used against me.  I am especially hurt that words that my mother said were completely taken out of context and used to hurt me right after her death. Had my mother been alive, after she ripped my birthmother’s eyes out, she would have explained what she meant and let her know that what she said was NOT the case. Obviously it matters because it still hurts. If I didn’t care, it wouldn’t matter.  I think we for some inner reason would all like the approval of the person who gave birth to us.  Funny, she has said very harsh things, mean things about her mother, her aunt who she lived with while she was pregnant with me and after, and even her own children.  The thing is, I can separate what is “venting”, and what is, “I am new to this relationship and I do not understand the dynamics of their relationship”, where she was unable to do that.  I have heard by many, both experts and lay people, that when you suffer a trauma, you are stuck at the age you experiences it at when dealing with it. So while I am surprised at her immaturity in handling the situation, I have to remember, in dealing with me, my adoption, her pregnancy, her marriage, her annulment, her giving me up, she is still a 15/16-year-old girl.  She has always said that she made the right choice and has never had “issues” like other birthmothers. The anger it brings her when she says this makes me thing of the saying, “thou protests too much.” I don’t see how you cannot have some issues when you get pregnant at 15, the first time you have sex, you are forced to get married, forced to get the marriage annulled and forced to place your child. All your choices were made for you.  I was never seen and never spoken about. Your daughters were told about me as a threat basically. “I got pregnant and had to place a child and if the same thing happens to you, you will place also.” Which I found interesting, there would never be a discussion, looking at the situation for itself, the one thing you hated, that your choices were made for you, you would have done to your own children.  Only one daughter recalls you telling them about me, the other says you never did tell her, she learned about me from her sister.  But yeah, you are completely fine and have NO issues whatsoever.  You are only fooling yourself, keep up that wall that you placed around yourself 46 some years ago and have never really let down.  And you call me manipulative?  Well, if I learned it from anyone, it sure isn’t my father as you claim, I inherited it from you!!!

But I digress. My point was and is, I do not think that closed adoption is good for anyone involved. It leaves the adoptive parent always worried that they can be replaced by the biological, the biological parents has issues and so does the adoptee. I am not saying adoption is bad. I am sooo grateful for my parents, they were the best, but to take a child from their biological parent and place with another parent and think there will be no issues is CRAZY!!!! It all sounds good, but it is NOT realistic. An open or semi-open adoption, where questions can be asked as they go along, children can see who and where they come from, why they were placed. Is a much better alternative. Openness, not more secrecy, actually is what bonds the family together.


Why did I think it would be easy?

In Adoption on May 26, 2011 by Carolyn

I started my search first by registering with the state.  Boy, the state of Indiana sure is fun about adoption information.  I did however receive my non-identifying information.  For the first time in my life I knew things people completely take for granted.  What time I was born, how much I weighed and how long I was.  I learned the state my birthmother was born. My parents knew it was somewhere out west, but now I actually knew where she was from. I can’t tell you how long I would stare at this piece of paper.  A part of me I had never known and now, at the age of 39, I knew my basic beginnings.  Again, unless you are adopted, you cannot begin to imagine what it is like to have no idea where you came from or even your basic facts about yourself. You feel very incomplete.

I contacted my adoption agency after getting my non-identifying information telling them that I would like to start the search. No problem, just pay the fee and they will begin looking.  It hardly took any time to find her, and while she had moved on, her family had stayed where they had lived all these years.  A series of phone calls and BINGO, she was found, however; she wanted no contact.  She told the case worker that she was worried that it would be like opening Pandora’s Box.  She said that her family was healthy, she was glad I had a good home and hoped my life had been nice; nevertheless, thanks but no thanks.

I was crushed. I had never expected that outcome. I had thought that maybe they would not be able to find her, but never that she would not want to communicate with me. As a mother I would have thought, if only once, to be sure everything is okay, to let her know why I placed her, something. But no, she wanted nothing. Now, after everything has turned out the way it did, was she right?  Should we have left well enough alone?  As much time has gone by I can see, that as a mother, maybe it would be too hard to go there, to revisit what you had given up. For myself, and myself only, even though things ended on a bad note, I am grateful to have met the person who gave me life.  I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly and still I am glad. And even in all the hurt that has passed between us both, I will always hold a spot for her in my heart because (as I had always told her) she loved me enough to give me life and give me up. With that act she gave me the best gift in the world and that is my wonderful parents.


The search….

In Adoption on May 25, 2011 by Carolyn

I’m not sure why I decided to start searching for my birth mother.  When I was a little girl I always wanted to find her. I would often fantasize about who she was when I was a small child.  I had always known I was adopted.  My mother and father had always told me I was adopted from the day they brought me home at four or five days old.  They would rock me to sleep and tell me the story of “me”.  As I grew older, I had no desire really to met her.  Actually, I’m not sure if I had no desire to meet her or if I was influenced by my mother.  My birth mother was sixteen when she had me.  My mother would often tell me that she thought that this young girl had probably gone on and tried to rebuild her life after placing me.  My mother always reassured me that I was placed out of love for me and wanting me to have a better life than what my young birthmother could give me.  My mom would say that since she had been so young, and what the times were like back then (I was born in the mid sixties) that she had probably married, had children of her own and may not have told anyone about me.  I felt like I had no right to search for her after all she had given to me.  I had the world’s best parents after all, why rock the boat?  Why ask for more?  But I always had a nagging desire to know did I look like anyone?  What was my background?  Were there any health issues?  Had anyone ever wondered about me?  When I had my last child I felt a deep need to find my birthmother, I was 38 at the time and decided, let’s start the search.


Adoption, where do I begin?

In Adoption on May 23, 2011 by Carolyn

I am adopted.  Have always known I was adopted and am very grateful to have been adopted.  I have been blessed with meeting my birthmother. We had a relationship for a couple of years and then it fell apart.  I have written a journal on an adoption site, which she had found and read and she also started a journal.  This is how we came to know one another.  Knowing that she would read what I wrote, I was very guarded in what I wrote, and things would be taken out of context.  This blog, I believe, will be about the pain and misunderstanding of our fall out. It is meant for me to sort through it all and have some closure. Knowing now that she is not reading this and that it is for myself, I can be far more honest, both about her and myself.  I hope this is cathatic, well see.



This is all new…

In Uncategorized on May 23, 2011 by Carolyn

I thought I would start a blog about various things in my life, but mainly about being a mom, being adopted and having lost my parents and my husband.  Not sure how to make this all look neat and pretty, so I thought I would just muddle through.